Loneliness 101

When you are going through divorce, the fear of being alone can be far greater than being with a person who no longer loves you.  There’s a tendency to ignore or convince yourself that your partner’s behaviour is acceptable. The fear of being alone overrides the fear of being treated badly because at least you aren’t alone. Or are you?

“Better the devil you know” right?

“It’s better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone” – Marilyn Monroe

The reasons for your divorce may include many things, but ultimately, the lack of partnership gets revealed and you may come to realize that you were always alone in your marriage after all.

And then again, while going through the transition to single life, you find yourself again in a lonely place.

There’s a shakedown when you go through a big life transition like divorce.  You find yourself losing long -time friends and acquaintances. Your community does a slow disappearing act.  And then you find yourself in a sort of nowhere land with your social community.

Now what?

I often here my clients say that they don’t want to be alone. And getting a new boyfriend becomes the only focus of all of their energy. There’s a desperation that makes for bad decision-making. And instead of using this opportunity of loneliness to work on the things that need to be worked on – inner self work, they spend all their time on dating sites. This distraction only serves to keep them in loneliness.

There is a gift in being alone. An opportunity to repair the relationship with the most important person in your life, yourself.

I’ve learned many things from my own transition and this is what I’ve learned from being alone:

  1. I am never truly alone when I have people around me who love me.
  2. I can choose to be lonely and wallow in self-pity but ultimately that will stop and I will have learned a lesson of resilience.
  3. It has given me the space and time to rediscover myself and fall in love with myself again.

As the Dalai Lama says: “Spend some time alone every day.”

Learn how to release the anxiety that comes with loneliness in 10 easy lessons.

Here are 3 things you can do right now to alleviate loneliness:

  1. Connect with one friend every day, even for a quick chat
  2. Go to places where people are – malls, café’s, parks
  3. Do those things that you love to do, but couldn’t do with your partner

Without the learning that comes with loneliness, you will find yourself in the same situation with other romantic relationships – alone. It is only when you fully realize the opportunity, can you then create a meaningful loving relationship with yourself and others and ultimately come to understand that being alone is a gift.

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