In the way of the Buddha, there is no one to blame but yourself. Or put another way, you are in complete control of everything that happens in your life whether you are conscious of this or not. And forgiveness is one of the Buddhist teachings anyway so even if you wanted to blame someone, you really have to forgive them at the same time.
And when it comes to your romantic relationships, I say that it’s very important to look at your primary love example… your parents. And even your grandparents for that matter.
We accept that we inherit the colour of our hair and eyes, the way we walk or if we are a book worm or athlete, from our ancestors. But we forget about intrinsic personality traits like how we write or express ourselves and how we function in our love relationships. It is by looking at our ancestry of love that we will find the answers to our love problems.
OUR GENETICS TELLS ALL
Epigenetic research tells us that our genes turn on or off as they need to in order for us to evolve with our environment. This rule also applies to our mental wellbeing, our coping skills and how we communicate. And here’s the interesting part; they have discovered micro RNA markers that bypass the evolutionary process and instead of evolving and transforming, they reignite old personality traits that you got from your great-grandmother or father.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that all of that therapy you’ve had is going to waste, but it does mean that if you find yourself behaving in ways that you thought would be adjusted by now, well this could be the reason.
So, not only are your parents to blame for your communications issues in relationships, but so are your grandparents.
Don’t despair. Here’s what you can do to help your RNA eventually evolve with your current love goals.
By taking a magnifying glass approach to the way you were shown how to connect and communicate, you can then rework what isn’t working for you right now.
Answer these questions:
1. How did your parents ask for things from each other?
2. Did they use PA (passive aggressive) techniques like using
– inuendos (implying that they wanted something without actually asking for it)
– aggressive tactics, like “shaming” with negative comments to get a reaction.
3. Did they ask directly and explain why it was important for this request to be
4. How did they react when they didn’t get what they wanted?
5. Did they throw a tantrum or go back and try to negotiate?
6. Were there any words or phrases they used, that stand out? Such as, “Your mother always gets her way” or “Why bother asking for anything around here?”
Take your time and write down the answers to these questions in your journal to shed some light on your foundational love patterns.
Once you have a clear understanding for your own behaviour in relationships, then and only then can you take steps to change your style of communication. And learning how to ask for what you want effectively is key in all relationships. Learn how to do this here.
In the Buddhist way, forgive your parents and grandparents and then start to change what doesn’t work for you.