6 Signs You’re A Masochist

If you have ever been a “giver” or a “fixer” or a “nurturer.” Then listen up. I’ve compiled 6 signs showing you’re a masochist.

When we give to depletion, we create an imbalance in our bodies, our lives, and in our souls. It’s not that the other person is selfish, a liar, and a taker. We let them be selfish, lie, and take because we are masochists. #truthbomb. Let’s explore this a bit more.

There are two definitions of a masochist in the dictionary.

  1. a sexual perversion characterized by pleasure in being subjected to pain or humiliation especially by a love object — compare this to sadism
  2. pleasure in being abused or dominated: a taste for suffering

The first definition might not even apply to you (but it might, wink, wink).  The “50 Shades of Grey” novels showed the world that women have this hidden desire on some level.  And it’s the connection we make when we think of Masochistic tendencies. First introduced by the 19th-century novelist Sacher-Masoch, wherein his novels he described men who gained sexual pleasure from domineering women.

Discussion must have been exciting back then because Freud wasn’t sure about the definition relating just to sexual tendencies or with men at all. He believed that Masochism was something only women could experience. And he broke it down into three categories.




By erotogenic masochism, Freud meant a biological and constitutional lust for pain. It is the basis of the remaining two types of masochism. 1

Feminine masochism refers to the normal female psychological development of which suffering is the consequence of the pain associated with childbirth, menstruation, and defloration (sex).1  They thought women experienced pain when having sex!

In moral masochism, suffering lost its connection with sexuality. What became important was the suffering itself. According to Freud, masochistic character formation results from an unconscious sense of guilt and responsibility for the parents happiness.1

Hmmm. Guilt? Interesting.

This idea of being a masochist was somewhat of a revelation to me during a therapy session years ago. As I recalled my relationship with my then husband, my therapist blurted out that I was a masochist.

Ok, hold on now.

I have been known to dabble in the first definition from time to time, but in my marriage? What? Wait a minute. It made so much sense.

I was the “nurturer.” I took care of almost everything in our lives; the kids, the bills, the repairs without asking for help. And I was treated like a doormat. I did not enjoy treated that way. Hence the divorce. But it made sense when I recalled my dynamic with my parents.

If this is sounding a bit familiar, but you’re still not sure it applies to you, hang in there.

You too might be unconscious to the fact. You might have had a mother who did it all or a father who just did whatever your mother told him to. #metoo.

Here’s the test.  You are a masochist if you have at least 6 of the following:

  1. Remains in a relationship in which others exploit, abuse or take advantage of him or her, despite opportunities to alter the situation.
  2. He believes that he or she almost always sacrifices his interests for those of others.
  3. Rejects help, gifts, or favors so as not to be a burden on others.
  4. Complains, directly or indirectly, about being unappreciated.
  5. Responds to success or positive events by feeling undeserving or worrying about not being able to measure up to new responsibilities.
  6. Always pessimistic about the future and preoccupied with the worst aspects of the past and present.
  7. Thinks only about his or her worst features and ignores positive features.
  8. Sabotages his or her own intended goals.
  9. Repeatedly turns down opportunities for pleasure.

I got 6!  How about you?

A 5 Day Coaching Experience

Journey to Self Love

Don’t worry; my therapist said that the remedy for Masochistic Personal Disorder is Self-Care!

If you’re not sure what self-care is all about (because you’re a masochist ;)), then join me for 5 Days of Self Love.

Let’s shake off our masochistic tendencies together.




  1. Toye

    I got 8. My friend pointed it out that I am a masochist, but I didn’t believe him. I didn’t want to believe him, after all, I don’t enjoy pain in anyway. After a complaint again tonight, he called me a masochist and advised me to go see a doctor. I decided to take him serious and check it out. It wouldn’t hurt to just check out what masochism is all about. And here I am, agreeing to 8 of the 9 points.
    What do I do. I don’t want to continue this way, its real depressing and lonely. I keep sabotaging my relationship (it toxic and I should get out completely), but I’m not making it easy on myself. I won’t give another guy a chance. So maybe I’m a masochist after all, but I don’t want to be.

    • dianamikas

      Hi Toye,
      Most of us have masochistic tendencies, so you aren’t alone. These are the patterns that we have to change in order to change the way we do love. Just like you would try to be better at your job or with a skill, it’s necessary to learn why we sabotage our relationships in order to change our patterns. It’s a journey of changing our view of ourselves and the habits that we’ve formed. You can do this. Check out The Passion Protocol and book a call with me to see if this is a journey you are ready to take. Click here- https://www.dianamikas.com/passion-protocol/

  2. Kayl

    I got all 9. My partner recently commented that he thinks I’m a masochist, admittedly because of my sexual preferences, but after reading this he definitely isn’t wrong… kinda scares me as I always get myself in situations and it’s like being stuck in mud trying to get myself out. I didnt realize my childhood had such an effect on me…

  3. Belle

    Hi! I am actually not sure if my boyfriend is a masochist, but mostly of the sign are in there. I really wanted to help him. I feel bad sometimes he hates what’s happening on him, he hates what’s happening in his mind. He’s always craving for torture and stuff.

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