How To Tell If You’re Really Done?

You think you’re over it. Your friends are pushing you to get online and start dating again. Or even worse, they try to set you up. But after all this time, are you really over your ex?

In order for you to answer that question, you first have to understand the phases of heartbreak and where you might be stuck. Make no mistake, heartbreak is grief. It’s the most common form of grief and most prevalent because it happens all the time in our lives. We have little heartbreaks all day long.

Remember the time your friend said she would go out to that show with you and then later forgot that she double booked herself and could no longer go. Or that time you thought you were going to get a promotion or lead a project and you were passed over for someone else. These little events of social rejection have the same effect on your body and mind as do the big heartbreaks, like a romantic break-up, divorce or death of a loved one. They challenge your self value.

Heartbreaks are Heartbreaks

According to a study conducted at the International School for Advanced Studies (SISSA) of Trieste was published in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, when you are in heartbreak, your brain actually thinks that your body is hurt. We will often say things like, ”my heart has been ripped from my chest” or “ someone just punched me in the stomach”. The area in the brain that gets activated when you are physically hurt is the same area that gets activated when you suffer social rejection.

This is called “Broken Heart Syndrome”. And when we are romantically rejected we feel it in our bodies as if we were actually punched in the stomach. And it’s not an easy thing to get over in our society, simply because we don’t recognize it as a major life trauma. We are taught to get over it quickly, find someone new to make you feel better. We don’t like to feel badly so we do everything we can to distract ourselves. And this is where we get stuck.

If we don’t allow ourselves to move through the grief of heartbreak we are destined to repeat it over and over again.

So where are you in your heartbreak recovery?

The 6 Stages of Heartbreak

  1. Shock – In the moments after being blindsided by a breakup, your heart rate might drop, suggests research in Psychological Sciencethat looked at people’s heart rates following a social rejection they didn’t see coming .
  2. Trauma – Once the shock subsides, major emotional stress sets in (What did I do wrong? Am I going to be alone forever? Is it time to start adopting cats?). That stress can ramp up your sympathetic nervous system, which also leads to rising cortisol and inflammation levels. Your sleep, digestion and immunity might also suffer (you’re up all night, have no appetite and seem to be catching a cold every other day).
  3. Pain. You feel like you’re in physical pain. That’s because the brain regions that process the pain of social rejection or loss also process physical aches, according to research in Current Directions in Psychological Science. You might experience neck ache, headache, overall physical malaise.
  4. Anger – You’re not thinking straight (waiting in the conference room for the weekly Thursday meeting—but it’s only Tuesday), and you’re being more impulsive than normal. Critical thinking skills and self-control both take a dive after a social rejection, according to research. This is when we eat tubs of Haagen Das or decide to make red wine your new best friend.
  5. Denial – You swore you wouldn’t, but you look at a picture of the two of you or scroll through their Facebook feed. Your inner voice says,”If only…” The areas of your brain that show increased activity when you’re high or craving a drug light up in response to their image. According to research in the Journal of Neurophysiology , this reveals that you’re still powerfully drawn to them. You need that hit of oxytocin and dopamine to make you feel like you’re still in love. But at the same time, your brain is trying to adjust your behavior and make you see that it’s finally over. It’s time to unfollow them.
  6. Isolaton – At first, nothing appeals to you less than going out to a club or being social. You can’t stand the thought of talking to anyone but the pizza delivery man. Eventually that fades, and progesterone levels rise when you start to feel lonely. That’s a very good thing—researchers say the hormone can motivate you to seek out social contact.

Denying the healing process can cause serious problems

It’s important to allow yourself this journey, as painful as it might be. Why? Because if we don’t allow the full range of healing, we get stuck in the heartbreak. Over time, in rare cases, the stressful effects of heartbreak can actually create heart problems.

In a small study in the New England Journal of Medicine, researcher found that emotional distress precipitated serious heart damage in some patients without coronary heart disease, possibly due to an exaggerated response in the sympathetic nervous system.

Nobody wants to feel the pain of heartbreak. We are the best distractors when there is a threat of pain. It’s a primal response. But as we become more conscious of the power of our actions and choices in our lives, we must also start taking responsibility of our recovery from traumatic events that cause heartbreak. And by allowing the full range of feelings in a proactive way can alleviate the deep painful effects caused by the denial of our heartbreak pain.




  1. dianamikas

    HI Shawn, Yes this can happen when you are in full on grief. Especially when your divorce or break-up is recent. Remember to be kind to yourself. Focus on self-care right now. Sending love your way.

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