“It felt like I was drop-kicked into outer space.” Those were the words I used with my therapist to describe the feeling I was going through during my separation. For years, I had this sensation of free-falling. It was intense as I tried to grasp onto whatever I could during my fall. I had to learn how to deal with and overcome this new sense of abandonment. I found that I could overcome abandonment by working on my roots.
Men are always looking for “home”
The feeling of free-falling and trying to grasp onto whatever or whoever extends a branch is a typical response to abandonment when you are fresh off a breakup.
You’ve no doubt heard of the middle-aged man who suddenly buys a red Ferrari and starts dating someone who could be his daughter or granddaughter? This is a prime example of behaviour as a result of abandonment. According to an article in Dad’s Divorce, men have a harder time emotionally recovering from divorce.
That’s why they get back on the dating sites and find their next partner quicker than women do. They are grasping as they fall.
Women deal with abandonment a bit differently. We go inward and try to reassess our lives and when things settle down, and we regroup, then we seek a new partner. But this doesn’t mean that we don’t suffer as hard as men do. Breakups are more detrimental for women on all levels of life, not just emotional.
I remember my therapist telling me, “men are always looking for “home,” and women are always looking to get out of the home because they are home.”
That explained everything.
Abandonment was always there.
Feelings of abandonment get triggered because they were always there, way before your most recent breakup.
What I mean is that we all suffer from it on some level. Just hear me out.
I’m going to get a little spiritual.
As spiritual beings, we are part of a collective, we are all connected energetically (proven scientifically), and we all come into this life through the idea of separateness. What I mean exactly is that we choose to come into this existence as a human in our preferred form. When we make this choice, we are then propelled into our Mother’s womb, and our journey starts.
That is the first abandonment; The separation from the universe into human form.
The second abandonment is when we are born. We feel our mother’s breathing, her happiness, her sadness, and her heartbeat. We are one with our Mother until we are violently pushed out from this safe place.
Then we experience abandonment again and again throughout our lives. From the time our mothers stopped breastfeeding us, to the first time our parents went out for the evening and left us with a babysitter. And then the abandonment can happen emotionally with parents who were not emotionally capable of connecting to us, or who physically abandoned us. And again, from our first heartbreak to later our divorce and then our second divorce and then the death of our parents and on and on.
Abandonment is our way of being. It happens to everyone on different levels.
What you do when you feel abandoned?
There are two behavioural responses to the feeling of abandonment.
We often feel that to protect ourselves means that we have to avoid situations or people. We see this as a distancing from situations or people. And most often we create armour around our heart, so that ensures we don’t get hurt again. We avoid intimacy. We become “avoidant.” And the result of being avoidant is that we create loneliness.
The other side of the coin shows up as controlling. We’ve all seen this one with the constant texting, making all the decisions, being very particular with the plans, etc. This “hovering” is a type of anxious attachment. We want to control everything to feel secure in our relationships. We grab onto our partners and treat them like a lifebuoy. Signs include feelings of suffocating, dominating, or being passive-aggressive.
We are each one of these polarities on some level at some time in our lives.
Since our parents become our universe, we have no choice and are dependent as the child, and we are always looking for our parents’ love. Whether our parents physically abandoned us or emotionally abandoned us, we make up a story around it. We conclude that we are worthy of being abandoned. Then we carry this throughout our life – with each relationship.
It forms how we see ourselves – as not worthy of love and healthy attention. The challenge then is to rewrite this story of abandonment by changing our energy.
Focus on the ROOT chakra.
Our Root Chakra is our energetic connection to the earth. It’s the force that keeps us tethered to the Great Mother and our “home.” The Root chakra is the area at the base of the spine and represents grounding, nourishment, trust, home, family, prosperity, and personal boundaries. It serves self-preservation and core survival needs for food, water, and safety.
When we feel abandoned, this connection to our home is severed.
The Root Chakra is also connected to the spine, kidneys, adrenals, and lower digestive tract. If you have IBS, adrenal fatigue, kidney issues, spinal or colon problems, this may indicate some deep emotional trauma surfacing around abandonment or lack of support on some level.
3 Ways to Overcome Abandonment
To overcome your sense of abandonment by incorporating these Root Chakra exercises into your practices. By stimulating this energetic center, you re-attach yourself to the earth.
Saying the mantra “Lam” and focus on the root area at the base of your spine. Imagine a cord going down through the earth and traveling to the crystal core at the center of the earth.
Get out into nature. Walk in the park, go for a hike, or get to a forest. Going barefoot on grass is wonderful on your toes and instantly calms you. Another favourite way of getting connected is tree-hugging.
Yoga pose- Malasana or garland pose
This pose is also squat. Squat down with feet about shoulder-distance apart. Once in the squat, bring your hands up to prayer and feel the connection to the earth happening.
These techniques are very effective on their own for eliminating the feeling of abandonment. And the next step is to work with your emotions when you feel that abandonment surfacing. Become aware of acting out and acknowledge that you’re feeling vulnerable and scared.
Don’t get caught up in the story, but do focus on how your adult self can console your child self in those scary situations.
Most importantly, to change your resonance and re-establish a connection to the universe and Mother Earth, use the Root chakra exercises above to dissolve your feelings of abandonment.