Here’s something I have to admit to you. I didn’t know what it meant to be a second-sex until I got married. I realized that I was living my life in mostly a masculine energy way and that if I wanted to be in a healthy relationship with a male that I would have to learn how to find true power – the feminine essence.
Masculine vs feminine when I was young
I never experienced male superiority of any kind when I was young. Or maybe I did but just didn’t acknowledge it.
My upbringing was in a household where my mother was the boss and the dominant one and a father who was kind of submissive and more of the nurturer. I was the youngest of 2 daughters, so being the youngest had its perks. Like my sister getting in trouble for things I did because she was supposed to watch me.
It would be common to see my Dad washing the dishes and my sister and I cutting the grass. In fact, I remember my friend commenting on how liberated a household we had. But I thought nothing of it.
There were never any derogatory words against females of any kind. My mother never shamed us for wearing halter tops or short shorts out in public. Yes, it was the 70’s.
And my father never said anything remotely indicating that just because I was a girl I couldn’t do something. I remember going fishing and wanting a baseball glove. I was kind of a “tomboy”. But I also loved dressing up in pretty dresses and remember once sleeping in my brand-new pair of shiny black boots, I loved them so much.
Spending time in the kitchen with my Mom, peeling and cutting up apples for pie and eagerly wanting to learn how to make palacinka (crepes) at 9 years old was a regular activity as well. As was going down to my Dad’s shop and learning how to solder wires for radio transistors. I was never told I couldn’t do anything. I was equally in my feminine and masculine essence.
But when I got into the work force, I quickly became the boss. Being a leader was easy for me. When you work in advertising for the development industry, you learn that you’re only one of handful of females. Females in a male dominant industry quickly learn to become one of the males. We used to call them “ballbusters”. You had to be tough to survive.
These women were my mentors. Strong, powerful, unwavering and a bit scary. Kind of like my Mom. They showed me how to find true power in my feminine essence .
In my masculine
Without knowing it, I easily assumed my masculine essence most of the time. I was the doer. I would be the organized one, make the plans, call ahead to make reservations and get shit done. My Dad gave me a fully loaded tool box when I moved out at age 19, for gosh sake!
And I didn’t know how to give up that role. It was natural for me to be in charge and perhaps a bit too bossy, not wanting to hear any other opinion because I knew better of course. And this continued in my marriage.
I would say that I wanted a partner, but what I was really doing was emulating what I was modelled from childhood. A dominant mother who was the masculine and a compliant father who was the feminine. A bit mixed up, right?
Here’s where it gets really confusing.
This is what I realized. Even though I consciously wanted a masculine male partner, I subconsciously wanted someone who was like my father, more like a feminine. Here’s the confusing part. I also realized that as long as I was in my masculine, I was competition for my husband and any other potential male partners I wanted post-divorce. And guess what?
Masculine men don’t want their female partners to be their competitors. They get enough of that from their male friends. And they certainly don’t want to feel emasculated by their girlfriends. Even if it’s done unconsciously.
How could I have known back then? I couldn’t have. Being in my masculine was part survival tactic when I was young. But now I know the difference between my masculine and feminine and how I can embody both for different situations because you can’t have one without the other.
How to find true power – the feminine essence.
We have both masculine and feminine essences within us. And each of us have different degrees of these energies. You might identify more as a masculine or more feminine. The key is to understand this about yourself and learn how to work with these energies to create a balance within yourself and then for your relationships.
And you know what’s even more interesting, I realized that all the times I complained that I was doing all the work in my marriage, and I just wanted to have partnership, I wasn’t allowing it to happen. I was stopping this from being a possibility because I didn’t have a clear understanding of what a feminine essence being was.
So, I went on a mission to understand how to find this true power -the feminine essence within me. Through Tantra practices, I was able to discover that the feminine, is the receiver, not the doer and giver.
This was so counterintuitive to me at the beginning, because I was taught that the female was the giver. That’s what I did all the time. I gave myself away completely. Many times, I would have nothing left for me.
Does this sound familiar to you? I’ll bet you also thought that being in your feminine meant you had to give it all away. But it’s not true.
- Awareness is the first step. For one day, pay attention to how many times you take on responsibilities that you don’t really need to, like offering to make reservations or arranging to buy the tickets for everyone or offering to do the driving. Look at how you put your needs aside for others, even when you don’t really need to.
- This will take some time but when you relax into it, then you will reap the rewards. Step back from being the doer/giver. Allow others to offer up their time and energy to you without expectation. You may find some shifting in your friendships, but this is OK and expected when you change your habits. And this is the practice ground for your romantic relationships.
As soon as I understood that the feminine essence is the receiver, everything changed. It created space for the masculine to come in and feel safe and unchallenged. I soon started to attract the masculine who was secure in his masculinity because I stopped being in my masculine which inadvertently attracted insecure males (aka my father).
And the best part, I didn’t feel like I was doing all the work. When I relinquished the role of masculine who was always in control, I was able to settle into my feminine and receive all the gifts of kindness, attention and quality time. And that’s how to find true power in your feminine essence.